February 28, 2012

A Little Secret

I'm going to let you in on a little secret . . . when I'm frustrated, when I'm mad, when my insides are going all over the place and I can't seem to get them to stop . . . when I'm hurt, when I'm sad - I blog.

This has led to some misunderstandings, and it seems some people assume everything is about them. No, for real. But in general it's an outlet. I feel better. I process my feelings. I get great feedback from ya'll.

Umm, this will be one of those posts. (Feel free to bail right here if you're not up for that.)

Have you ever just had a point in life where you thought, "Am I crazy?" Like, seriously, not in touch with reality . . . . living in a dream world . . . not functioning the same way most people do, crazy?

Well, I have. I grew up with two grandmothers who were both diagnosed paranoid schizophrenics. In hindsight their diagnoses were made in the 40's and it is likely they might be treated for something completely different today. But in the end, the practical part of that was that my family dealt with two members of our family who did not handle life well. When pressures came or life was difficult, they just shut down.

When you have not one, but two of these people in your family, I think you'd have to be crazy to not wonder if you would be like them at some point in your life. In fact, my mom used to tell us when we were growing up and would ask if we were crazy, "If you're sane enough to ask if you're crazy then you're not crazy."

I'm at a phase in life where I feel crazy, nuts, insides unable to stay put, overflowing, trying to pretend but failing crazy. Just so you know life is actually fine in our house. No huge pressures. No difficult life circumstances.

But my insides apparently haven't gotten that message . . . they seem to be searching for a reason to be anxious. Constantly peeking over my shoulder waiting for something bad to creep up. Holding their breath that the bad news is going to be delivered at any minute.

Thank God for people who love me enough to listen, to be patient, to continue to tell me my emotions don't match the facts. Who nudge me and say, "Your logic should win over your heart here."

These are times that make me wonder if Satan doesn't do his best to screw us up by using our emotions. I have seen God move in incredible ways. Seriously, nothing short of miraculous. Prayers I prayed, desires of my heart that were barely whispered, not things I would have shared with others. Maybe one person knew this piece and another knew this piece, but no one person knew it all. (And I'm still not going to share, so you don't even have to ask.)

I didn't even have the faith to believe that God would actually answer these prayers, not really. And yet here I stand, and they have been answered - only time will tell all the specifics, but I have no reason to believe they weren't fully, completely, irrevocably answered.

And yet I fear. I fear that it's too good to be true. I fear that maybe it's all an illusion. I fear that something will happen to mess it up. And I can't turn the fear off. That fear that drives me crazy. The fear that drives me to avoid some situations and overdo others. The fear that most certainly is the opposite of faith. The saying, "You got to see it to believe it." apparently isn't true for me. I see it happening and I doubt it is real, I doubt it will last, I doubt, I doubt, I doubt.

And I fear that I'm crazy. And the fear drives me crazy. And the fear acts crazy and looks crazy.

But I'm working hard to remember some things:

Phillipians 4:7 And the peace that passes all human comprehension will guard your minds and hearts in Christ Jesus.

Phillipians 1:6 And I am confident of this, He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.

II Timothy 1:7 For God has not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of self-control.

Isaiah 26:3 For you will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is focused on You, because he trusts in You.

There are other prayers - other struggles I hold close to my heart and I don't dwell on for fear I'll get bogged down and not be able to go on. Other requests that I hope for, but only with the smallest of glimmers on the brightest days of optimism. Burdens that bring tears all too often. If God has done the unfathomable (to me anyway) why would He not repeat that? And why can't I seem to believe that?

So pray with me for faith, for the ability to trust, for a heart that will love without fear of being hurt. And, if you know me in real life please hang in there with me. If you could find a little more patience for me, that would be great. Look past the craziness and find my heart. Whisper a prayer instead of rolling your eyes at me.

Because after all, aren't we all crazy some time? Aren't we all crazy about something? Haven't we all been driven crazy by that one specific thing that haunts us? Maybe it's time we all give each other an extra dose of grace.