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The Other Side

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I have to admit I was a little surprised by the wide range of response to my last post. I think there may have been some confusion . . . And maybe some didn’t read to the end.

Here’s the summary of what I was actually attempting to communicate:
Even though I’m on an amazing trip, we had an ugly encounter that caused us to miss a significant event. As I thought about how angry I was over the way it was handled, it caused a whole host of angry emotions to flood through. Many of them that had been held back for quite some time. Not the least of which is I have a callback visit scheduled in just a couple of days after I went and had a mammogram done at the beginning of March.  I don’t plan on taking back any part of what I said in that post. It was the truth - maybe a little raw, maybe jaded, maybe even somewhat self-centered - but it was exactly how I felt in that moment.
However, it is not the whole truth about the trip we took, and I feel it is only fair to make sure all of the relevant…

Keeping It Real

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Yesterday, I was pissed. 




Yes, I’m on vacation in Italy. 
Yes, I’m here because my business has done very well this last year. 
Yes, I felt well enough to make this trip and, a little over a month ago, I wasn’t even getting out of bed every day of the week.

But, yesterday, it all came slamming down at the same time, and I was pissed. The kind of fury that has been held back so long that when it comes pouring out, you feel it coursing through not only your eyes and your mouth, but your ears, your heart, your skin, your scalp. It’s scathing, and you hope no one you love happens to intersect with you in those moments because the likelihood of them avoiding becoming the object of that blind fury is almost non-existent.

How I came about being pissed yesterday specifically won’t seem as traumatic to you as it felt to me . . . We booked a tour through an independent, highly rated tour group. We were to take Fiats out into the Tuscan countryside and visit some of the various wineries and have lunc…

How People Respond to Cancer

If you know much about me, you know I’m a student of human behavior. Admittedly, I have been too distracted to pay much attention to what anyone else has been doing through certain parts of this process, but other times I have actually used the behavior of the people around me as a distraction from my own issues. 

Here are some of the things I have concluded:

{Warning: You should not read this post if you are easily shocked or offended. I’m not, which makes it possible for me to not be terribly bothered by many of these things and prevents this from being one long list of complaints. I’m actually more fascinated by the reactions and curious about what drives them.}

1. Some people want to make a joke of everything. 

My husband got dressed a little nicer than normal when we went to the hospital for treatment this week, and when my sister gave him a hard time about it, his response was, “I have to start looking for the next one.” {Insert shaking of heads and rolling of eyes} I’m not one to b…

Detours

I attended a retreat recently - really just a girls getaway. While I was there, I was doing some reading and I came across this quote by Christa Wells on her blog: Today and for the past week I’ve fought hard to stay present and emotionally-armed as I am reminded at every turn of a painful detour in my life. My friend said a week ago: “The detour is the path.” It’s been bouncing around in my head ever since.And making me angry, too. I mean, some detours could be avoided, right? Some detours become necessary only because people are selfish and put up roadblocks that affect everybody on the road. Right?Yes.So what? Here we are. What are we going to do about it? Here I am taking this unexpected route, a route I didn’t see on the map, and have no knowledge of or interest in. Taking this route is going require re-arranging and will make me miss some beautiful things I’ve looked forward to. I’m tired and my pack is heavy and the view ain’t that great.This detour hurts. A lot.
Oh, how those …

Stop Planning

Please don't mistake the following ponderings for pessimism - they are not - but you can't go through a situation like this one honestly, with your head held high and your eyes wide open and not ask yourself questions like:

If my time is more limited than I once thought, if I don't have 70 years to plan for, what would I wish I had done more of? What would I wish I had done less of? What would I desperately want to be different?
I certainly don't have all of the answers to those questions, but I do have some ideas. 

Ask anyone close to me what the last couple of years have been like and they will tell you - hectic, crazy, non-stop, successful, impressive to some, busy, too busy. Ask me and I will tell you a slightly different story if I am willing to be transparent - they have been frantic, panicky, driven by a desperate fear of failure, life-sucking, unfulfilling, lacking in almost everything that gives life to me and makes me - well, me. 

I haven't felt like I could …

Cancer . . . A Roller-Coaster Ride

For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with Papillary Carcinoma, or Thyroid Cancer in December 2017. 

The ups and downs of this journey have already made me feel as if I’m on a roller coaster ride in the dark . . . and, let me assure you, that isn’t something I enjoy.

I didn’t feel all that badly coming out of the initial surgery - even though the results weren’t the best they could have been. We were settling into a routine of medicine and rest when I realized that my lips weren’t moving correctly as I tried to talk to my parents . . . almost like I’d had dental work done. Then, I remarked to my mom that something was wrong - my arms and legs felt tingly and heavy from the elbows and knees down, from the collarbone up everything felt wrong about how my neck and face felt. I might be the world’s worst at ever admitting that I feel funny or that something is wrong. Somewhere deep down, I’m convinced I’m imagining it or over-reacting to things others would think was no big d…